The Legend of Drizzt (audiobook)

They're not lying about the cast.

So, this takes me way, way back into my early teenage years, when R.A. Salvatore's adventures of Drizzt Do'urden were a staple of my reading alongside the Davids Eddings and Gemmell and whatever other authors of heroic fantasy fiction (many now sadly deceased) received the honour of representation in the Fleet public library. Drizzt was one of my formative experiences of the Forgotten Realms setting for Dungeons & Dragons, and one of the only D&D spin-off series I ever gave much time to (the other was the Dragonlance series; please don't judge me.)

I'd not given the books much thought in recent years, but then a friend pointed out on G+ that a ten hour collection of Drizzt short stories was available in audiobook format, for free*, read by the likes of Tom Felton, Felicia Day and Ice-T; if indeed those can be be said to be alike. Ice-T reads D&D? For nothing? Sign me up!

'The First Notch'

Read by Felicia Day

We open with a tale of rugged young dwarfs and snarling giants, read by elfin, soft-voiced celebrity nerd Day, which is a left-field choice if ever I saw one; like casting Tom Cruise as a 6'6" ex-military policeman or Denzel Washington as a stocky, white Englishman. In another unexpected jack move, the first story in the Collected short stories of the Legend of Drizzt doesn't have Drizzt in it; in fact, he's not even mentioned. Instead, the story concerns the young Bruenor Battlehammer, future dwarf king and friend of the eponymous elf, and how his battleaxe got its first notch.

'The First Notch' really sets the scene for the collection, not least in priming the listener for the fact that more than half of the stories don't include Drizzt at all, and several don't even mention him. It's not high art, but I have to admit it's better than I remember finding Salvatore's work in what I shall call my 'snobby, post-high fantasy' period, and for all that she is not the obvious dwarf-voicer, Day puts in a game effort with the bizarre dwarf accent (described as a brogue, I think it's meant to be kind of Scots-y Irish - Scoirish? - but here comes out more Cockney, which seems to work), and makes a fine squeaky goblin. The action scene is one of the better ones in the set, managing to find a rare variation where other become repetitive (there are, in fairness, only so many ways to rephrase arm, torso, sword or eviscerate without becoming dangerously florid).

'Dark Mirror' 

Read by Dan Harmon

Drizzt makes his first appearance in a story of racial hatred and slavery, narrated by Community creator Harmon. Again, not an obvious choice. Travelling to visit an elven city for the first time, Drizzt is delayed helping a group of villagers rescue their captive kin from orc raiders, and stumbles on something that greatly complicates his view of the world.

The first half of the story is a pretty by-the-numbers hostage rescue, with Drizzt and his allies managing a win in spite of the Leeroy Jenkins tendencies of a local hero unwilling to be outdone. It's the second half that is more interesting, as Drizzt retrieves an escaped goblin 'for trial', only to learn that he is actually a slave, and that his intellect and nature cast doubts on Drizzt's certainties regarding the irredeemable evil of goblins. It's interesting not least because it is so at odds with the game's original setting, and because the goblin Nojheim makes the point that Drizzt is accepted as an exception because he is considered sexy, while a goblin isn't, which is almost a criticism of the very sensibilities that made Drizzt such a popular character.

Harmon's reading is good, and he works particularly well in portraying the tragic stoicism of Nojheim.

'The Third Level'

Read by Greg Grunberg

Once more banishing Drizzt from his own book, 'The Third Level' is an origin piece for the Drow's long-time nemesis-turned-antivillain, Artemis Entreri, read by Greg Grunberg of Heroes fame. As a boy, Artemis embarks on the beginning of his career as a thief and assassin, and makes his first steps into the thieves' guilds of Calimport.

I think the most interesting thing here is the depiction of the thieves guilds not as the monolithic organisation common in heroic fantasy, but as a number of rival gangs with no particular code of honour between them. The rules are the rules because a bigger thief will kick your teeth in if you break them. It's also a bizarrely gritty prelude to a big ol' fantasy saga set in the magic-heavy Forgotten Realms.

Grunberg approaches the story as the straightforward tale of gang violence that it is.

'Guenhwyvar'
Read by Tom Felton

Another origin story, this time for Drizzt's constant companion, the magical panther who lives in a statuette, Guenhwyvar (whose name is explained as the high elven for 'shadow', although it is actually taken from the Welsh version of Guinevere, which means 'white ghost'.) The reader is Tom 'Draco Malfoy' Felton.

This story is mostly a curiosity, existing to explain a discrepancy in early descriptions of Guenhwyvar. The official line was that a) figurines of wondrous power transformed into the animals that they represent, and b) magical items don't have gender (although after being pressed to refer to her as 'it', editorial meddling at one point led to Guenhwyvar being referred to as 'he' instead of 'she' in some of the early books). This story is a long-winded account of how Guenhwyvar came to be separate from the statue with her sex intact.

Felton does well with a lot of arcane description and a significant fight scene, and manages to keep a straight face through the wizard-ranger's showboating, which is impressive.

'That Curious Sword' read by Danny Pudi and 'Wickless in the Nether' read by Sean Astin

A couple of adventures for Artemis Entreri, this time focusing on his doomed bromance with sardonic Drow mage Jarlaxle. The first is read by Community's resident chameleon Danny Pudi, the second by noted hobbit Sean Astin.

The stories are solid adventure fare and the readings are top notch, although having only read the earlier books as a boy it is odd to see the degree to which Entreri has been de-villained.

'The Dowery' 
Read by Melissa Rauch

This one does have Drizzt in, on an adventure with his love interest Catti Brie, who as read by The Big Bang Theory's Melissa Rauch sounds kind of like the goblins in 'The First Notch'.

For me, this is the weakest story of the bunch. Its most remarkable features are the utter pointlessness of the adventure itself - Catti Brie basically suggests busting a pirate crew to kill some time - and the utter inability of the absurdly powerful pair to kill even one of their opponents in the protracted fight scene which makes up the core of the book. This bizarre attack of uselessness is not merely baffling, it actually makes it obvious that the enemy are not what they seem, giving away the twist to anyone remotely genre savvy.

'Comrades at Odds'
Read by Ice-T

Yes, Ice-T. You weren't imagining it earlier, and I wasn't bullshitting you.

This is a Drizzt story, and one filled with a great deal of intospection. Set around the formation of an orc kingdom, it again questions the stock fantasy assumption that orcs and goblins are mere monsters, without hope of redemption or evolution. It offers no simple answers, and being pretty out of the loop on Forgotten Realms I wonder to what degree these thoughts were ever taken up in the broader canon.

And it's read by Ice-T.

'If Ever They Happened Upon My Lair'
Read by Wil Wheaton

This is a prequel story which is removed enough from the main action of the Drizzt tale that you actually need to have some pretty advanced knowledge to see how it fits in at all. It's basically a dragon hunt tale, and not a bad one, but don't get attached to the hunters.

Wil Wheaton is an excellent reader.

'Bones and Stones'
Read by Al Yankovic

Talking about those left-handed casting choices again, this is an introspective tale of loss and mourning, read by 'Weird' Al Yankovic. He does a good job.

'Iruladoon'
Read by Michael Chiklis

And for this tale of mystery and ephemeral magic, the gravel tones of Michael Chiklis; why not?

'To Legend He Goes' 
Read by David Duchovny

We finish then with the death song of the barbarian Wulfgar, as fitting a tribute to Conan as to anything Forgotten Realms-y, as the aged chief throws off his shackles for one last battle to save a band of his hunters from angry yeti. David Duchovny is surprisingly good.

Overall, this is an excellent selection and kept me entertained for more than 10 hours. I'm not sure I'd have paid full whack for it, since I'm way out of the loop on all things Drizzt, but for the most part it stands on its own. If you're a fan of fantasy adventure in the Forgotten Realms style, its well worth a go just for the quality of the reading.

* To avoid disappointment, this was a limited offer and you'd have to pay for it now.